Happy New Year!  We start the year on Friday, January 2.  I drop into the NY Public Library to see the Romanov book exhibition.  Lunch at Confetti on 38th Street.  You get to choose your pasta, the toppings and the sauce and they make it right in front of you (plus throw in salad and garlic bread).

At 3, we pick up Bryan’s ex, Philip, and head out of town for our weekend at Uncle Ralph Taylor’s in Absecon.  Arriving at Ralph’s, we have pitchers of excellent margaritas, then join him and his friend Bill for dinner at the Oyster Creek Inn (fluorescent lights and big platters of fish).  Back at the house, we watch a video of female impersonator Charles Pierce from 1988.

Saturday, January 3, Ralph fixes us an incredible breakfast of eggnog french toast before Bryan, Philip and I head out to The Chicken Coop (sort-of antiques – you’ve got to through everything) and then to Atlantic City (Ralph lives 5 miles west) and the casinos.  We drop into the Taj Mahal and others before Bryan and Philip hit the 21 table at Bally’s Wild Wild West where Phil wins $100 (Bryan loses the $20 he came prepared to lose).

We get back to Ralph’s for a fantastic sit-down dinner of yogurt-marinated leg of lamb (grilled outside) and an amazing dessert (a sponge-like chocolate cake with liquid chocolate inside) with about ten of his friends.  After dinner, Bryan and I go to sleep around midnight while Phil and Bill drive back to Atlantic City for more gambling and drinks at the Brass Rail.

Sunday, January 4, another fantastic breakfast from Ralph and the three of us are on our way back home.  But first we stop in Ocean Grove.  Originally conceived as a Methodist community and still owned by them, it’s a very pretty town just south of Asbury Park filled with cute stores (for instance, Bryan buys a great original chenille bedspread at Kitch & Kaboodle for $60).

Then it’s off to the beautiful ruins of Asbury Park, a drive through the Architectural Digest homes of Deal and then up the coast to the beaches of Sandy Hook (home of the gay nude beach).  Back on the road, we get back into NYC around 5 pm.

After a quick drink at Dick’s, I finally take the plunge and get a Prince Albert from Venus Body Arts on 4th Street between A and B.  And a rather large one it is, too!  I’ve wanted one for years and always thought they were very hot.  If you’re brave enough to ask about it, I’ll tell you all about it.  Then dinner at Pangea and we’re in bed by 10 pm!

Monday, January 5, it’s back to work for both of us.  I spend part of the day researching our summer vacation, a trip to Bilbao, Spain and Florence, Italy.  One of the things the might occur is a short trip to Madrid and Bilbao (and the Guggenheim Museum) in March as Continental has just announced some very cheap rates.  That evening, we go to Jennifer Convertibles (close to 9 pm as Bryan has to work late) and buy a new couch as David Littler will be visiting us later in the month and that’s propelling our decision to get a sofabed.  Afterwards, we have a late dinner at Life in the East Village and then to bed.

Tuesday, January 6, I prepare dinner.  OK, to be honest, I heat up pasta and sauce from Russo’s (yum!) and then Bryan goes bowling.  I arrive there after a bit but my new Prince Albert still hasn’t quite stopped bleeding so we go right home afterward and are in bed by midnight.

Wednesday, January 7, I take Bryan’s advice and take the day off in order to promote some healing.  A smart idea.  It also gives me the chance to start my new book, Tattoo by Peter Trachtenberg.  This is a fascinating memoir; he’s Jewish, straight, about my age, had a long heroin addiction (somewhat like the life of Jim Carroll) and, most importantly for me, seven tattoos.  And each chapter is devoted to one of the tattoos and the stories surrounding it.  Bryan got it for me for Christmas and it’s really absorbing.

Speaking of books, just last week I read A House on the Ocean, A House on the Bay by Felice Picano.  These are also memoirs, mainly of the late sixties through the beginning of the eighties and mainly centered on his time in NYC and Fire Island.  I just lent it to Uncle Ralph because I thought he might recognize some of the people mentioned.  I order in from La Casalinga and just stay prone on the bed with Rosebud.

Bryan doesn’t get home until around 7 and around 9 pm we head out to Dick’s Bar as I need to get my mind off this p.a.  Well, after a few vodkas, Bryan decides to play pool against this cute guy, Guillermo, from Columbia; his English is fairly good.  We take him to dinner with us to Pangea.

Thursday, January 8, is my choir night and I have dinner at my parents’ as my therapist, Jamie, now has to work those nights (it used to be our regular dinner/therapy session).  After practice, I go to Jim and Jamie’s with Donna Reagan and Alice Percy (where we have some great peccadillo that Jamie makes).

Eartha Kitt!  Friday, January 9, “Uncle” Ralph Taylor comes to NYC to pick up our old couch.  His friend Larry has a huge new Dodge Dakota pickup (leather seats and everything!) and they meet us at Pangea at 7 pm for dinner (the staff loves Ralph there).  Then it’s off via taxi to the Carlisle Hotel to see the one and only Eartha Kitt.

Yes, you know her as the Catwoman (or the voice of NY taxi cabs) but she put on one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.  We are seated directly in front of the small stage.  Larry, who has loved her since he was 14 (he’s in his mid-fifties now), is absolutely and completely in front and she sings her first song to him, eye to eye.  Needless to say, I think he will remember this night for awhile.

She does a bunch of standards (including “My Heart Belongs to Daddy” – again to Larry), including one that I don’t know the title of (it talks about “I don’t remember Christmas – and I don’t remember you”) that absolutely breaks your heart.  She touches all of us as she departs the stage and we literally float out of the club.  Oh, yes, fifty dollars a head (and about ten bucks a martini) but worth every cent.  A memory to be cherished.  After the show, we pile the couch onto the pickup and they go back to Absecon as Bryan and I go to bed.

Saturday, January 10, I go to Veniero’s for pastries as it’s my brother Mario’s birthday (he’s 41) and after a couple of cocktails at Dick’s, we head to NJ where we join him and Mary Kay, along with her sister and brother-in-law and my parents at Theresa’s in Westfield (nice, light Italian food).  We don’t stay through dessert though as we are needed at Trinity Church for Clue Night.

Yes, the parish is playing Clue, as teams, with life-size pawns and game board.  And, yes, I’m a pawn.  Bryan sits with some of the choir members and really gets into the game.  We all have a great time with special kudos to Michael Gow, Donna Reagan, Anita Pfeil, Al Lehmkuhl and John Zebrowski who organized and starred in the event.

Sunday, January 11, Bryan gets in around 7 am as I’m getting up for church.  That evening we have an early dinner at John’s down the street.  We’ve had some decent meals there before (plus the waiters are normally cute and fun) but tonight it’s just mediocre.  Then to Dick’s and Splash for a drink before going to Around the Clock (yes, it's 24-7, just off Third Avenue at St. Mark's) for a burger (for me, I just had a craving!) and something more healthy for Bryan and then bed around 2 am.

Monday, January 12 … a little tired!  But I attend my hiv group at St. Barnabbas where we’re having body composition as our topic.  They have someone there who measures it electronically and my body fat is 13%.  Not what I consider great although it’s very good for someone “my age.”  Health note:  during January, my visit with Dr. Diamond turns up 120 t-cells ( up from approximately 100 a few months ago) and a continued undetectable viral load; medication continues to be Viracept, 3TC and AZT with Bactrim (to avoid PCP).

Tuesday, January 13, I have a concert committee meeting at Trinity so I have dinner with Jim and Jamie (some very nice, thick pork chops).  I get back into the apartment around 10, Bryan and I have a quick bite at Bandito’s and a drink at Dick’s, and again it’s early bed.

Wednesday, January 14, my final vestry meeting.  Yes, it’s the end of my three year term.  Of course, since it’s my last, it’s got to be the longest as we’re discussing budget.  But I get to say my good-byes at the very end (of course; even if none of the others going off did).

Thursday, January 15, snow threatens and I leave work around 2 to go to NYC and await our new Jennifer convertible couch in anticipation of David Littler’s arrival.  The weather is crummy but no snow is coming so we go to Dick’s Bar for drinks and then Pangea for dinner.

Friday, January 16, I simply can’t remember where we had dinner.  Knowing us, it was probably Pangea!

Saturday, January 17:  The arrival of David Littler on the final leg of his East Coast trip.  He was in Washington DC for the installation of the new presiding bishop, in Philly for the ordination of his friend Michael Seillor, stayed a couple of days with Uncle Ralph and then a couple on the Upper East Side with Laura Eastman, and finally with Bryan and me.

After breakfast at the Lunch Box, Bryan goes off to a NATAP conference and I drive up to pick up David and his things.  After showing him the apartment, he and I walk to the West Village and have a beer at Julius and a light lunch at the Riviera on 7th Avenue after which we walk our way back through Washington Square Park, shop for scotch at Astor Wines and sheets (Martha Stewart – cost $100 for the whole set!) at K-Mart.

By then, Bryan is home and the three of us go to Dick’s around 7 pm where Bryan's ex Philip meets us.  Then the four of us go to Caffe Torino in the Village where Uncle Ralph Taylor and Ted Smith are already waiting for us.  We have the normal great dinner (except that Girlina isn’t there that evening).

Sunday, January 18, a light snow is falling and David Littler gets up to join all his old friends at St. Luke in the Field’s and then brunch with Ted Smith.  While they’re eating, Bryan and I meet Uncle Ralph, who is having brunch at Pangea with his friend Jimmy.

Then it's off to SoHo to buy a leather jacket for Bryan.  He’s been looking for a plain, car coat for awhile, and we finally find it at the Original Leather Line on Spring Street – and it’s on sale ($600 to $350) and it’s no tax week in NYC so we really luck out!

Around 5 pm, I go to St. Thomas Episcopal on 5th Avenue; David who is attending Evensong there.  It’s over when I get there, so we walk up Madison Avenue, having martinis, shrimp cocktail, oysters and white bean soup at The Mark Bar at the Hotel Mark.  Quite a nice hotel bar (it better be, as it costs me around a c-note).

Then it’s up to the Guggenheim Museum where we see a new (and somewhat dissonant) preview of the latest Ned Rorem song cycle.  Rorem is in attendance, and afterward I insist that David say hello to him as they had been introduced years before in Julius.  David mentions this fact to him and inquires about the man who had done the introductions.  Wouldn’t you know that Rorem says the man is right behind David!  So that was rather fun; I also complimented (white lie) him on his music, and honestly compliment him for setting a poem by AIDS poet Mark Doty to music (really the best piece of the night).

Monday, January 19, Bryan works from 10 am-2 pm while David and I walk to Fishs Eddy, Goldman’s Treasures, Barnes & Noble (yes, I buy some gay books including a very hot photo book), and take the subway to St. Mary’s on 46th Street where Brother Francis Andrew is just about to leave.

David had been trying to get in touch with him, but had forgotten that BFA had told him that he’d be there for a noon service!  So what seemed like serendipity was actually planned!  David has to check on some silver patterns for a friend, and then we meet up with Bryan and have lunch at Confetti (the mix and match pasta and sauce place) on 38th Street.

BFA leaves us and we walk down Madison (completing the other direction!) and have martinis at the Gramercy Park Hotel.  It's Pangea at 8 pm for dinner with the three of us and Joe Fiore and David Feight.  Good food as usual except for my filet mignon which is just terrible.  Arnoldo apologizes and we, of course, get more drinks!

Tuesday, January 20, David is leaving NYC later in the afternoon to go back to LA.  After work, I drop by the church to see Craig+ about Connections, then to Jim Lenney’s (his mom is dying at the moment) to work on the concert series and his music page, and then meet with Jamie, my therapist, for our dinner session while Bryan goes bowling.

After bowling (with Bryan getting a very high 186 – with handicap, it’s almost 290), we go to Dick’s Bar for a drink, then to Pangea for a late night snack around midnight, and then back to Dick’s with Ronnie (a woman we’ve met there before) for a final nightcap.

Well, Bryan recognizes Mark Harrington of TAG (Treatment Action Group), who was on the cover of POZ magazine last month.  Bryan is too shy to ask him if indeed it is him, but I go up and ask.  Sure enough, it is; this is our first introduction to someone we will get to know well.

Wednesday, Janaury 21, Bryan and I go to Tower Records after two months and spending about $250 after a quick bite at a Cuban/Chinese restaurant a block away.

Thursday, January 22, was choir night.

Friday, January 23, I slept very late, probably due to the many martinis at Jim and Jamie's, so I didn't get into work until lunch (catered by my Dad's favorite restaurant Torna Sorrento - pasta putenesca, my favorite, um!).  After drink at Dick's, Bryan and I have dinner at MaryAnn's Mexican on 2nd Ave.

Saturday, January 24 ... we drive to the West Village and wind up for dinner at Rubyfruit Jungle, yes, named after the Rita Mae Brown novel.  And yes, it's almost all women!  But the food is superb and they're very nice and welcoming to us.

Sunday, January 25, I'm up at 7 am for Trinity Church's Annual Meeting.  There's only one service and then everyone gets together to hash out the next year and elect new positions.  Well, now I'm off the vestry, but I'm one of the three delegates to the Diocesan Convention in March (along with Rowland Bonadie and Bruce Ashforth).  This should be exciting considering the controversy Bishop Joe Morris Doss is dealing with.  I leave the meeting around noon as I join Bryan at a brunch at Woodie's.  We regretfully have to cancel out on Jim and Jamie's Super Bowl Party.  So, we have a simple dinner at Pangea.

Monday, January 26 ... yes, it's exactly one year since Bryan and I first set eyes upon each other so we plan dinner at Woodie's with Joe Fiore (who organized the original Crix Brunch), his boyfriend David Feight (both are bowling partners of Bryan) and Steve Ratzel, who went with me to that first brunch.  Joe D'Andrea, who runs the crix-list, was unfortunately not able to join us; others who might have live far out of town.  So it was just small and personal with some very good food and great martinis.

Tuesday, January 27, my friend Jeff Marshall comes into town to see his lawyer so we invite him to spend the night at our place.  We meet up around 6 pm and the three of us go to dinner at Pangea; about half an hour later Scott “Dangerboy” Reich and his girlfriend Susan join us (and Susan and I have a “comparative” talk about piercings).

Bryan has to leave early to go bowling (and does very well) so the four of us continue drinking and eating until around 10, after which Bryan and I join them at Niagara, a new bar at 7th Street and Avenue A – rather nice with a tiki bar downstairs.

Wednesday, January 28, it’s a stay at home night with pasta and sauce from Russo’s.  We do make a valiant attempt to watch the videotape of Clinton’s address, but I fall asleep during it and then Bryan joins me.

Thursday, January 29, choir for me, a night off for Bryan.

Friday, January 30,  Bryan and I take his friend Greg to see John Leguziamo in “Freak.”  I think I probably enjoyed it more than the two of them as they had some pre-conceived notions on what it was supposed to be.  I’ve also heard that it’s not as funny as some of his other stuff, but then it’s supposed to be autobiographical, so I think that’s the reason.

Saturday, January 31, we make our way to Newark Airport and a very crowded United Airlines flight to Denver.  We are en route to Riverton, Wyoming where we will surprise Bryan's mother Pamela Martinez for her birthday.  Mark Enos meets us in Denver for a layover and we went back to his place in Niwot, outside of Boulder.

We met his room-mate Bruce, had drinks at The Yard (Boulder’s only gay bar, and a tiny one at that), and after picking up Bruce and Mark’s friend Craig, went to dinner at the Bistro St. Tropez near their house.  Surprisingly great French food (the owner is actually from France) with things like tender mussels and duck breast with cranberries (for me) and ravioli with squash and saffron (for Bryan).  After dinner, we retire to Mark’s for some of Bruce’s award-winning Key Lime pie (and I can see why!).  We fall asleep for nine hours!

Sunday, February 1, Mark gets us to the airport late for our 11:30 flight, so we have to take a 3 pm which doesn’t leave until 4:30!  By the time we get to Bryan’s mom’s house (after his dad and brother meet us at the airport) it’s almost 7!  But Bryan’s mom is totally surprised to see him; it’s like Candid Camera!  No one had leaked the secret so we’re really pleased.

At Pam's house is Leandro, her husband, his brother Brett and his wife Karen, and their children Angel (about 3 years old) and Bryan’s new nephew, yes, Bryan!  Of course Angel loves her uncle and little Bryan is a cute butterball.

After checking into the Sundowner Motel we return to Pam’s and go to dinner at the Golden Corral (a glorified Denny’s but a very good and complete buffet) after visiting his dad in his extremely large 50’s style house.  After dinner we see Brett’s house and then it’s off to bed by midnight.

Monday, February 2, up by 9 am MST, breakfast at JB’s with Pam and Lee and visit B’s grandma Ruth.  By 1 pm, we’re on our way to the hot springs at Thermopolis, caravan style, with me and Bryan taking Lee and Pam, Brett and Karen take their kids in their pickup, and Howard, Bryan’s dad, taking his mom Ruth.

Of course, Bryan has to stop at Andreen’s Consignments to collect ceramics and then it’s off to the pools.  I don’t indulge, and have a nice conversation with Lee and Pam, who also don’t “bathe.”  After, we all have dinner at The Safari Club, where the owner has been killing animals and sticking them up on the walls for over twenty years.  Interesting, in a morbid way.  After getting back,  Bryan and I take Pam for drinks at the local Holiday Inn.

Tuesday, February 3, we visit his dad’s contracting firm, Inberg-Miller Engineering (they’ve got a 700 pound piece of jade doubling as a table in the front foyer!) where his very old assistant Ruth is extremely glad to see Bryan.  B drops me off at the motel around noon in order to spend the afternoon alone with his mom (and go thrift shopping, no surprise).

At 5, we join up with Lee and the four of us drive to Hudson (population 397) for steaks at El Toro.  I’ve been promised the best steak in the land here, but they disappoint.  Seems their competition, Svilar’s, just across the street, has pulled into the lead.  But they don’t start serving until later.  Oh, well, next time!  From 7-10, we hang out at Pam’s and then to bed.

Wednesday, February 4, the day from hell begins.  Lunch at the Breadboard with Howard, his wife Cheri and her mom Dory, Brett, Karen and the kids and B and me.  We go to the airport after only to find that our United Express flight has been pushed back almost two hours, not enough time to make our connecting flight!  To make a very long story somewhat shorter, when we arrive in Denver, they haven’t held our gate as promised and so B and I spend the night in town (with no recompense from United, who offered to fly us to LA to catch a red-eye to Newark, or fly to Chicago and sit in the terminal overnight!).  Do not fly United!

We stay at the Stapleton Hotel next to the old airport, have bad fake Mexican at La Mariposa, and then go into the old town for drinks at The Compound (with a very cute bartender, Parker, and his barback/lover Marty).  Anyway, we don’t get back into the hotel until nearly 5 am!

Thursday, February 5, we catch the 8:20 out of Denver and finally get into Newark at almost 3 pm EST.  Back gratefully, we get dinner at MaryAnn’s and drinks at Dick’s before returning home.

Friday, February 6, I stop for drinks at Jim Lenney’s and discuss the passing of his mother earlier in the week.  Bryan and I were supposed to go to the Poconos this weekend but after dinner at Pangea we decide we’re not going to make it.

Saturday, February 7, B goes off to volunteer at DAAIR; in the evening, he makes a delicious spinach and smoked mozzarella lasagna.

Sunday, February 8, brunch at the Telephone Bar and Grill on Second Avenue near St. Mark’s Place.   Around 6 pm, Joanne Vallis came to visit.  This is the first time she’s seen our apartment.

After a glass of wine, we take her to Pangea where we see Quentin Crisp, famed gay icon.  Yes, he lives in the area, but we’ve never seen him around; it turns out he used to be a regular there but hasn’t been feeling well lately.  Looks pretty good (and pretty) for a man (?) his age!

After 11 pm, we make our way over to Boy’s Life, a Sunday night party at Life, a club on Thompson and Bleeker Streets.  Now I see why we don’t go clubbing; it’s noisy and not very exciting, except for our friend Girlina spinning records in one of the lounges.

Monday, February 9, I stop over at the new Trader Joe’s in Westfield and stock up on frozen foods for Bryan’s lunches and some things for me.  Bryan and I enjoy more of his home-made lasagna before heading off to Dick’s.

Book:  I’ve started reading Presences: A Bishop’s Life in the City by Paul Moore, the former Bishop of New York.  I have a hard time putting it down.  He was raised in rather wealthy circumstances, and that part is somewhat hard to read as he was a rather uppity cradle-born Episcopalian, more concerned with what was proper than what was right.  But that, of course, is what makes his growth so enjoyable to read about, considering his strong support for women in the clergy and gay rights, for instance.

Tuesday, February 10, Bryan goes bowling while I catch up on back episodes of Melrose Place.  A quick drink after at Dick’s and then to bed.

Wednesday, February 11:  I meet Bryan and his boss Michelle for dinner at Penang on Spring Street in SoHo for Malaysian food.  What’s Malaysian, other than a fancy name for Polynesian?  Probably nothing but it’s very good!  I have superb clams in a black bean and ginger sauce, Michelle has shelled shrimp in a spicy sauce and Bryan has vegetables in curry, all washed down with a delightful bottle of Pinot Gris.

While waiting for them to arrive I have a Mai Tai, and I must mention that, contrary to any recipe book you may have, a Mai Tai should only have a splash, at most, of orange juice, the rum should be dark with a splash of 151 on top, and if at all possible find some Italian Orzata (the almond flavored syrup) – do not use grenadine!

Thursday, February 12, it’s choir practice for me.  Jamie, Jim Lenney’s boyfriend, and I discuss the nature of my relationship with Bryan.  I know he feels that he’s losing me as a regular friend, but he understands that’s just the nature of things.  His relationship with Jim is different; they have their separate spheres of activity.  Mine, with Bryan, is different – it’s 24-7.  Also, while there, I discuss the vestry with new member Donna Reagan.  It will be enjoyable being behind the scenes and being a sounding board for her.

Friday, February 13, I have roses sent to Bryan at work for Valentine’s Day; he gets them around 3 pm and is slightly embarrassed (but nicely so).  He puts them in Michelle’s office and she thinks they’re from a friend in the office to her!

After work, we have the obligatory one drink at Dick’s before changing and walking to the West Village for dinner.  By the time we have finally decided on a place, I’m frozen!  We eat at the Casa Di Pre at 283 West 12th Street near 8th Avenue.  It’s been a rather gay restaurant for a long time (also under a different name).  Although the food isn’t the very best, it’s certainly edible and the waiter is very campy and fun (discussing Ann Sothern, for instance).

Saturday, February 14, Valentine’s Day and our one year anniversary!  We meet Uncle Ralph for lunch at Baba Patisserie at 30 East 13th Street.  It’s a natural foods place with very tasty sandwiches and soups, besides desserts.

We meet Joe Fiore and David Feight at Mimi’s (52nd Street and 2nd Avenue) for dinner; you may remember we ate there with Vinny and Steven last month.  Unfortunately, Hunter Blue, the piano player, isn’t there, but we have lots of fun with an old biddy, Phyllis from Kew Gardens, at the bar (she’s on her fourth martini when we get there).

Sunday, February 15, yes, it’s church, and I do manage to get up and sing, and then have eggs benedict with Jim and Jamie before going back into town.

Bryan and I have dinner with his ex, Philip, at East of Eighth (yes, just east of 8th Avenue on 23rd Street).  Although it’s become very popular (and David Littler ate there while visiting NYC recently and found it good), we are extremely disappointed with the food, which is rather mediocre.  After dinner, we go for drinks at Barracuda and King, before I desert the two of them to Splash around midnight.

President’s Day, Monday, February 16, I make Trader Joe’s blintzes for us before we head off to enjoy a beautiful Manhattan day.  It’s a little chilly when we leave the house, but we decide to walk anyway, strolling up Lexington and then Park Avenues, stopping off for a drink at Tequillaville, a Mexican restaurant.

While there, the cel phone rings and it’s my college roommate, Steve Pelle, who lives in Ft. Myers, Florida.  He and his wife Vicky are doing well and his oldest son (actually his stepson, living in Detroit and gorgeous) has made him a grandfather!

Our eventual destination is the Museum of Modern Art on 53rd Street where we are members.  We stay until closing and then walk up to Il Brunello, a Tuscan restaurant on 56th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues around 6 pm.  The food there is pretty good, if not exceptional; but as we are early and there are few people there, it’s rather a nice way to start an evening.

Tuesday, February 17, I find out today that my favorite aunt, Aunt Annie, probably has lung cancer.  It took her sister Tessie last year (who didn’t smoke) … at least she smoked three packs a day!  But this is going to be very tough on my mother (not to mention me, but Mom doesn’t deal well with this).  Then Wednesday night, my Uncle Frank (their brother) goes in the hospital.  I’m glad I’m not superstitious, as Wednesday night I have a dream that Aunt Tessie is standing right next to Aunt Annie (who’s next to her husband Emil).  I scream with the knowledge of what this is supposed to mean, but only I see Tessie so I don’t explain it to anyone.  Sorry if you’re superstitious about this, but it seems like a logical dream to me.

In the evening I attend a pre-diocesan convention meeting with Craig+, Bruce Ashforth (who takes us in his extremely luxurious Chevy Suburban) and Rowland Bonadie.  This is really fascinating stuff; plus the kingpin of the attack on Bishop Doss, Alan French+ is there.  He looks like an Ichabod Crane figure out of a Disney film!

Wednesday, February 18, I hear from my friend Mark Parenteau.  For many years the drive-time dj on WBCN in Boston, his career came to abrupt end there recently.  But lo and behold, he gets afternoon drive on Q104 (a so-so Classic Rock format in NYC).

I pick Bryan up at work where he’s received a beautiful basket of flowers (orchids, lilacs, Easter lilies, hyacinth and the like) from me … they’re a replacement for the poor quality of the roses that he received from me for Valentine’s Day.  They certainly made up for it!

Then we join Vinny and Steve for dinner at The Flea Market on Avenue A between 8th and 9th Streets.  Surprisingly, this is an excellent French restaurant!  It’s decorated like a flea market with all sorts of odds and ends (none for sale, though).

Thursday, February 19, I finish up the March issue of Connections.  In the evening it’s choir for me.

Friday, February 20, I find that Bryan has made a vegetable soup, but we wind up at Pangea instead (he’s been smelling the soup all day and now is tired of it!).

Saturday, February 21, the Whitney Museum sponsors a field trip; $75 per person, two museums, one lunch.  We meet at 10:30 AM at the Dia Center for the Arts; there’s about 20 people, as far as I can determine, we’re the only gay couple.  The first piece (which we’ve been dying to see) is Richard Serra’s 1996 Torqued Ellipse #1, Torqued Ellipse #2 and Double Torqued Ellipses.  What are they?  Take a 2” thick piece of 16’ by 16’ Cor-Ten steel and roll it!  It takes two pieces of steel for each circle (see attached file).  One piece is rusted, another is oiled (with another circle inside of it to create a walkway) and the third semi-rusted.  These are moving and monumental – indeed, they are housed in the building across from the Center, the outside wall having to be removed entirely to get them in and out!  Truly something.  Back at the Center, we see light installations by Dan Flavin (who passed away from diabetes last year at 63), an Australian women’s photos (and short film) who’s name I can’t remember, and the roof installation (noted in an earlier post).

By noon, we head over to Le Solex (9th Avenue at 21st Street) for lunch.  The Whitney hasn’t organized this properly.   Although we only have three choices, they didn’t think to ask us earlier and have the food ready.  Plus their coffee machine isn’t working properly (cold coffee!) and I even get some thin silver wires in my dessert.  And they really don’t seem to care.  Good thing we’re all easy-going people!

A little after 1 pm and we’re off to P.S. 1 Contemporary Art Center, right over the Queensboro Bridge.  They own no art of their own, just a very large exhibition space where we see a retrospective on gay iconoclast Jack Smith (where do people find all the detritus of a man’s life, anyway?) and the photos of John Coplans (large, highly-detailed nudes of his body parts – ok, it’s art, but he sure is old and ugly!) among others.  Not bad, but not great, certainly interesting.

Instead of taking the bus back with the tour (they’re going up to the Whitney, anyway) we take the subway home.  Philip and Ted Smith join us for dinner at Haveli, the Indian restaurant on 2nd Avenue near 7th Street, across from the old Fillmore East/The Saint (now NYU dorms).  It’s a rather upscale Indian, very good food, but because it’s packed on a Saturday night the service is very slow.  That’s ok though, as where are we going?

Sunday, February 22, it’s church for me followed by a visit to Jim and Jamie’s; I get back into NYC around 3 pm.  It’s so beautiful out that Bryan and I decide to walk to Florent on Gansvoort Street near the meat-packing district for supper (I have a wonderful skirt steak with mustard sauce, B has an incredible Louisiana style crab cake sandwich) and then walk all the way back home!  Celebrity alert:  On the way to Florent, who do we see coming out of the subway station in the West Village but director John Waters!  In all the time I’ve been living in NYC, I never see famous people … this is one of the only ones.

Monday, February 23, we go for a drink and then dinner at MaryAnn’s for Mexican.

Tuesday, February 24, Bryan bowls and afterward we go to Pangea for late dinner and drinks.

Wednesday, February 25, Ash Wednesday, the choir is singing at church; I think we sing gloriously, and the penitent nature of the service was just what I needed.

Thursday, February 26, I have lunch with Jim and Jamie at my father’s favorite restaurant, Torna Sorrento.  Back at home, Bryan and I go see “Leather Jacket Love Story” at the Quad.  This B&W independent film is about a “twink” (a cute 18 year old blond) who falls for a “hunk” (a very hot leather jacket man).  Although not a good film by any means, it does feature lots of naked men and it is a cute movie.

After, we have dinner at Mirezi on 5th Avenue at 13th Street.  This Korean/Japanese style restaurant has just been favorably reviewed in Hx, the local gay rag, and we thought we’d try it out.  Well, the design of the place is very nice (very modern) but the prices are rather high considering the food.  It’s beautifully presented but simply not as amazing as the place would lead you to believe.

Friday, February 27, after picking up Bryan and a drink at Dick’s, we have Sassy Sliders on First Avenue … what?  This is NYC’s answer to White Castle.  Yes, they have burgers that are a good imitation, but they’re more famous for their vegetarian sliders.  Made of cabbage, carrots and other ingredients, they’re just delicious.

Then we’re off to see “Dark City” with Ted Smith and Jim Shewalter.  “Dark City” (directed by the same guy who did “The Crow”) stars Kiefer Sutherland, so are you surprised this is one of the worst science fiction movies of the year?  Sort of a cheap “Blade Runner.”  After, we have our standard Mexican dinner with them; this time at El Cantinero on University Place.

Saturday, February 28 … Bryan installs the CD-ROM recorder that he bought me as a Christmas present.  After a relatively late dinner at Pangea, we have a quick drink at the Hotel Galvez (I don’t think it’s been a hotel this century) on Avenue B near 7th Street.

Since we always seem to be having a drink at Dick’s, I thought I’d include this piece from Time Out New York’s article on Best Bars:  Under “Best Gay Pick-Up Bar” they chose The Boiler Room, under “Best Gay Bar” they chose Wonder Bar (who knows why, nobody goes there and they’re hardly gay seven nights a week) and under “Best Gay Dive” they chose Dick's:

Webster's defines a dive as "a disreputable entertainment establishment." To us, it's a place close to home that's never crowded, where you can drink yourself silly and maybe hang out with a friend or two. Dick's is just that, kind of like what Tom Waits would groan about if he were a big old Mary. The jukebox is a shrine to '80s esoterica and beyond. Who knows? You might even make a friend, but not the kind you'd want to go home with or anything.

Monday, March 2, I picked up the new full-color painting from Frank Loyacano for the Easter issue of Connections.  Then it's Flamingo East on Second Avenue (between 13th and 14 Streets) for dinner.  We had dinner there a couple of months ago for Philip’s birthday and the food is incredible.  Bryan had a shrimp & scallop cake for an appetizer, and I had light and tender sesame encrusted calamari.  For dinner, his tuna is perfectly prepared rare and my chicken with red pepper sauce is amazing.  Plus the great cosmopolitans don’t hurt (except my brain).

Tuesday, March 3, dinner at Agrotikon on 14th Street near Second Avenue for incredible Greek appetizers; we’re the only people there!

Wednesday, March 4, it’s off to see “The Lion King” at the New Amsterdam Theater in Disney’s Times Square.  And what a play it is!  Bryan is much more versed in it than I, having seen the cartoon movie and having read all about it.  Nonetheless, this Julie Taymor-directed play is absolutely incredible.  I’m sure you have all read about it so I’ll spend no time on it here; except to note that there’s a reason that it’s sold out for the next two years!

After the play, we have dinner at Joe Allen’s where we had dinner when we saw Whoopi Goldberg in “… Forum.”  This time I have a very good endive and watercress salad (with walnut and roquefort dressing, very traditional) followed by monkfish with a coconut and chili sauce (quite good).  Bryan has the mixed bruschetta plate followed by a grilled portobello mushroom entrée that he enjoys.  We finish up with a pear and blueberry tart (that’s huge) and espresso before cabbing it home to bed.

Thursday, March 5, dinner at the home of Bruce and Edna Ashforth.  He has taken over the scheduling of lectors and LEMs from me and he has invited me to dinner to discuss it; but interestingly, he also has great problems with the “gay lifestyle” as he calls it.  And I didn’t realize that he didn’t really know I was gay until the last diary where he appeared as attending a pre-diocesan convention hearing with me.  Since I send the diary to everyone who appears in it, he found out more about me than he wanted to know.  So except for a bit of discomfort (I really don’t know that many people who aren’t on my side on this issue) I was fine, but it is very strange to see the conservative Christian agenda in action.  I leave there with only minutes to spare for choir practice.  After, we go to Jim and Jamie’s with Doug and Donna Reagan.

Friday, March 6, pan-Asean dinner at O.G. on 6th Street near Avenue A.  We’re joining Scott “Dangerboy” Reich and Susan.  All the food (including my salmon tartare with three types of caviar) was excellent except for my chicken (ah, well, pick the dish for the one person who doesn’t like the cuisine – and that’s not me) with five spices (what, salt, pepper?).

Saturday, March 7, I’m sick so other than lunch at the Lunch Box, I’m home all day.  Bryan joins Steve (he’s one of Bryan’s bowling teammates) to see “Ma Vie En Rose” at the Quad.  I think it was nominated for a Foreign Language Oscar.  Anyway, it’s about a 12-year-old transvestite.  B liked it; at least I’d gamble a B+.

We were supposed to see a movie (speaking of bowling), “The Great Monica Lewinsky” … no … “The Great Lypsinka” … no … “The Great Jonathan Lypikni” … whatever!  That bowling movie with John Goodman and Jeff Bridges.  Regardless, we missed it and dinner with Joe Fiore and David Feight as I’m restrained to bed.  Well, ok, there was dinner, instead with Michelle Petersen (Bryan’s boss), her husband Larry and from Edmonton Alberta … yes, Canada … her cousin (by marriage) Gregg  … married but I wouldn’t have guessed it!

The five of us have a normally fun dinner at Pangea with crazy waiter Kleiter and then dessert at Veneiro’s (since 1894).

Sunday, March 8 … a nice lunch at El Cantinero with Uncle Ralph (he says by now you must know the last name).  Ralph wants Mexican so along comes sangria (and a long nap after) with it.  A quick dinner at Lavo, around the corner, for Thai.

Monday, March 9, I’m still not well enough to go to work, especially since we’re having a NorthEaster today.

Tuesday, March 10, I don’t even go to work; Bryan bowls at night.

Wednesday, March 11, this evening we’re off to the NY Philharmonic to see Tan Dun conduct the Orchestra of St. Luke’s (yes, fellow Episcopalians, of St. Luke-in-the-Fields of Greenwich Village of which you’ve heard me speak) and cellist Yo-Yo Ma, along with the Imperial Bells Ensemble of China, the American Boychoir under James Litton and the Princeton Girlchoir under Janet Westrick.  This is very beautiful, although Bryan feels it’s not as exciting as the CD.  Even he admits that’s strange, but that sometimes happens in performance.

After the show, we have dinner at the Zen Palate branch on Ninth Avenue at 46th Street.  They are strictly vegan, no dairy or meat – and no alcohol!  But the food is incredible.

Thursday, March 12, it’s choir night; since we're changing back from ISDN to regular phone service, BellAtlantic decides this would be a good time to cut the phone service instead of just changing it over!  Oh, well, no phones until Sunday night, upon our arrival back from Atlantic City.

Friday, March 13, Bryan and Philip take the bus to NJ and we drive to Atlantic City so I can attend the 214th Diocesan Convention of the Diocese of New Jersey.  They drop me off at the Convention Center and then they go to the boardwalk before winding up at Uncle Ralph’s, where they eventually have drinks and go to dinner at Allen’s Clam Bar in New Gretna (see July 1997 diary).

While they’re doing that, I attend the first part of the convention dealing with procedural issues and the first balloting.  It’s obvious from the beginning that the forces arrayed against Bishop Doss have the cards stacked (or some cliché).  From that point on, it’s almost meaningless.  At 5 pm, we take a break and Bruce Ashforth, along with Rowland Bonadie and his wife Barbara English and I go for drinks at the Sheraton Bar next door (and some superb clam chowder for me).

Side note:  If Bruce is homophobic, he sure has an odd way of showing it.  He’s even picked up pamphlets from Integrity, the gay Episcopalian group.  Anyway, after returning, we have a Eucharist with a guest homily from Sister Helen Prejean, author of the book and subject of the movie “Dead Man Walking.”  She is also guest speaker at the dinner banquet later that night.  Things are rather cordial at the dinner, with no hint of the animosity boiling underneath the participants.  And the dinner’s not half bad either, with a tasty Caesar salad, wild rice stuffed chicken breast and mocha Napolean for dessert.

After dinner, I meet Bryan, Philip and Uncle Ralph at Studio Six, Atlantic City’s gay complex.  Joining us is his friend Bill and his new boyfriend, also named Ralph (and who buys all his clothes from International Male – the first person we’ve ever met who’s actually shopped there!).  By 11:30, B and I are tired and so Uncle Ralph drives us home and we crash; meanwhile, Philip stays out gambling with some high roller who wins $20,000 until 6 am!  Suffice it to say that he sleeps most of Saturday.

Saturday, March 14 … Ralph drives me to the convention by 9 am.  Bryan will spend the day sleeping late, then thrift shopping and playing pool at Studio 6 until we all meet at 4 pm.  At the convention, as the day wears on, it’s more apparent what the right wing is planning.  Inevitably, it seems, a resolution will be tendered from the floor for the bishop’s resignation.  But time is on Doss’s side.  As proceedings drag on, one of the highlights is Craig+’s comments at the mike pointing out that only the bishop is being asked to have his discretionary fund audited by committee, thereby really showing up what the other side is up to.

After Roger Hamilton+ of the Standing Committee makes his comments and calling for the bishop to resign, many people give him a standing ovation.  It is all I can do not to stand and yell, “shame, shame.”  But by now it’s past 4:30 and there’s simply no time before the enforced 5 pm ending that the right can mount their resolution.  Not that the bishop would have resigned anyway!

A very dispiriting convention, nonetheless; although I did have the chance to see Father Francisco Pozo and his wife Angelin (they’re both working at Cathedral House) and Fr. John Powell.

Another highlight is the workshop at 1 pm on the blessing of same-sex unions.  There’s no room for people to even stand, that’s how packed it is.  Again, conservatives show their mastery of the English language.  Mainly their argument says that since it’s obvious that gay committed couples are a shining example to so many failing heterosexual marriages, why give them something less.  Perhaps we should discuss this for a few more years!  Bullshit.  We are being denied simple sacramental grace from the church.  I know that most of the arguments revolve around domestic partnership benefits, but I think that’s the business of the state, not the church.

By 4 pm, I’m ready to leave and meet Uncle Ralph and Bryan downstairs at the new brew pub in the hotel.  Then it’s back to the house for a dinner party (as usual) with Bill and his boyfriend, me, Bryan and Philip, and Dr. Tom and Roger, both from Philadelphia whom we’ve met before.  Unfortunately, the duck that Ralph has prepared has turned out too tough for anyone to eat, an unusual affair at Ralph’s for sure!  But the dessert and company are great and all of us are asleep by 1 am.

The Ides of March:  Sunday, March 15 … after getting up at 10 to a high cholesterol breakfast, we’re on the road by 1.  We make a quick stop at Cobweb Corner, an antiques store we’ve been too before.  We purchase an incredible sideboard (I think from the 1940’s) in solid walnut with black glass top.  It’s only 30” wide and will go into the bedroom; fantastic drawers and an interesting hinged top that conceals an electrical outlet (for a coffee percolator, most likely) – quite the find and only $275.

We drift our way up the Parkway (Bryan drove the whole way) and get into NYC around 5 pm.  Framed by drinks at Dick’s, we have dinner at Pangea.  Side note:  the phone lines are both working (albeit without all the features) when we arrive home!  By 11 pm, we’re in bed.

Monday, March 16, I go to my opthamologist for my retinal check-up, get a clean bill of health and now don’t have to come back for six months.  Then I attend my hiv meeting at St. Barnabas; I get home right when Bryan does and we go for dinner at Pangea.

Tuesday, March 17, St. Patrick’s Day (so I dress in grey).  We have a late dinner at Dok Suni’s (Korean).

Wednesday, March 18, dinner at Pangea; then off to the Lure for Pork Night.  They’re kicking off the Black Party weekend and we meet Vinny and Stephen there.  But it’s really boring; I mean, the boys are hot (with great tattoos) but the music is just hardcore, and rather bad stuff at that, and the entertainment consisted of Phen tying up a couple of guys who then get painted by a guy looking like Marilyn Manson wrapped in plastic!  After a couple of hours we go to Florent for some late food and finally home around 2 am.

Thursday, March 19 … after work, my brother and I go to visit my Aunt Annie, who remember has been diagnosed with lung cancer.  She has just finished her first batch of chemo last week, and she looks – well – terrible.  OK, she’s old and in a sense she looks better than the yellow color she used to be when she smoked, but still.  We stay for about a half hour and then leave; I’ll have to make sure I make more visits.  After choir practice, I go to Jim Lenney’s along with Doug and Donna Reagan.

Friday, March 20, Uncle Ralph is on his way into the city with our sideboard and will spend the night.  Well, the sideboard is fantastic.  The more we look, the more fun things we find out about it.  From the little things like the pop up cotton ball dispenser, to the interior light (to light up test tubes we imagine), to the complicated electrical wiring (two individual switched outlets in the back, one in the front), this is an amazing medical cabinet.

After pastry and coffee at Veniero’s and a drink at Dick’s, we drive to Peter Luger’s in Brooklyn, right over the Williamsburg Bridge for the best steak in the country.  Open since 1887, even the potatoes and creamed spinach are incredible.  Since we don’t have a reservation, we have to wait more than an hour for a table, but it’s worth it.  While waiting at the bar, we have huge drinks, a fact that they promote.  Other than a fantastic meal, the other interesting thing is a Japanese businessman who has a heart attack at a table near us.  No he doesn’t die, he doesn’t even need an ambulance, but it seemed touch and go for awhile!

Saturday, March 21, we drive into NJ as we’re helping Jim Lenney feed the College of William and Mary Choir, who are performing at church that night as part of the concert series.  One of our parishioners, Genni Johnson, attends there and is part of the choir (she sings the solo in “Shenendoah” as a closer).

As my parents are putting up two of the singers, B and I return to NYC and have dinner at Brunetta’s on 2nd Avenue near 10th Street.  We’ve never been there before and the only reason we did was that our other choices were packed.  We noticed on the chalkboard outside that they had a red ribbon and a pink triangle and that made us feel more comfortable.  Well, what a wonderful experience!  A rather small place, just serving beer and wine, it had great music and even better food.  We’ll definitely be back there!

Sunday, March 22, and what does the first day of spring bring to NYC but half a foot of snow!  It’s just lovely!  Especially since we haven’t had any in a couple of years, even I can enjoy it.  I lie in bed, and finish Bishop Moore’s autobiography; it really was a splendid book.  As one of the last few chapters deals mainly with St. John the Divine, B and I thought we’d attend an afternoon service if they have one, but they don’t.

Around 11 am, Michelle Petersen, Bryan’s boss, arrives at the apartment as we’re having brunch with her and Art Tsvaris at Pangea.  Who’s Art?  He works with her at Republic.  Well, Art meets us at Pangea and turns out to be a very nice man (half Italian, half Greek) and we have a long, enjoyable brunch (we’re practically the only people in the place because of the snow).  Then it’s dinner at Brunetta’s again … a new favorite!

Monday, March 23, it’s Oscar night at Pangea.  We arrive around 9 pm, at the end of the open bar, oh well.  It’s a prix fixe meal, not bad, not excellent.  But it’s lots of fun, with most of Pangea’s regulars.  Although we’ve quite mixed feelings about some of the winners (Jack Nicholson, for crissakes!), we do feel that the production was very good this year (although we wouldn’t have minded some name captioning – who were some of these people?).  One of the high points for us was Celine Dion’s performance of the theme from Titanic – and the Heart of the Ocean around her neck!  Bryan and I split two bottles of Veuve Cliquot, among other drinks, so by the time we leave there, we’re quite buzzed.

Tuesday, March 24, Bryan bowls very well this night!  He really hit his stride and is rewarded is wonderful sushi at Sharaku (14 Stuyvesant St., a small street near the intersection of 3rd Avenue and 9th Street).

Wednesday, March 25, we meet up with Vinny and Stephen and we walk up to Rolf’s German-American Restaurant on 3rd Avenue near 34th Street.  We’d heard that they’re supposed to put on quite the campy show, with Brunhilde-like waitresses.  Well, ours are Puerto Rican boys (actually cute, but clueless about German food) and the food is expensive but not really that interesting.

Thursday, March 26, choir night for me.  And a fascinating conversation with Donna Reagan afterward at Jim and Jamie’s.  Both of us were discussing the recent events in the diocese and why Trinity seems to be ground zero for three of Bishop Doss’s supporters (John Powell and his wife, also a priest, Francisco Pozo and his wife Angelin, who works at the diocesan offices and Craig+).  We also discuss the greater implications of the Holy Spirit’s work in the world today.  Both raised as good Christians (in other words, barely agnostic) we have a hard time with an activist god, what I think of as “hocus pocus.”  The best thing about the conversation is that we both were feeling a bit crazy; it’s nice to find others in the same boat!

Side note: while at my parents’ house, I start “editing” my rooms.  It is finally obvious to me that I live in NYC, and obviously my parents are acting like it also.  So I’ve started to decide what things will come into the apartment and what will be thrown out.  While doing that, I’ve also been reading NY Times Restaurant Critic Ruth Reichl’s autobiography, Tender at the Bone.  It’s as fascinating as the woman herself.  BTW, the jacket says that she lives in the city with her husband, son and two cats … I still think she’s a lesbian!

Friday, March 27, around 10 pm, we go over to Life in the East Village where we get a couple of margaritas to add to the fun.

Saturday, March 28 … it’s such a beautiful day, we take the subway up to Central Park and walk around.  Then we make our way south, stopping at B’s office and then down to a gem store, a flea market (where he gets another piece of McCoy that he’s collecting) and other places.  Around 7 pm, we meet Philip at Pete’s Tavern on Irving Place at 19th Street (yes, where O. Henry had a table in the 1800’s) as I’m dying for some of their fine prime rib.

Sunday, March 29 … I’m singing in the choir as John Zebrowski, one of the other basses, is having his child Victoria baptized.  I drop Bryan off at his boss’s in Metuchen as they’re going (along with her soon-to-be-divorced husband, Larry) up to Woodbury Common across the NY state border; I believe it’s one of the largest outlet malls in America.

As they’re gone most of the day (with Bryan getting a beautiful Brooks Brothers silk blazer, silk shirt and other nice things including Godiva chocolate for me), I spend my time “editing” my rooms in Cranford.  Boy, did I throw out lots of stuff.  But I also have a better handle on what’s there and what can come to NYC, either now or in the future.

Monday, March 30, and the heat records continue to be broken with gorgeous weather.  But I wind up with food poisoning from our regular lunch pizza.  By the time I get back to the apartment with Bryan, I’m not feeling so well.  And our drink at Dick’s didn’t help.  Bryan’s friend Alex (whom I haven’t met) comes over as they had planned to out to dinner so off we go to Pangea.  But by the time of the salad, I realize nothing is going to stay down;  I leave before dessert and they return soon after.

Tuesday, March 31 … I’m feeling much better.  Unfortunately, Bryan has to work late and gets back to the apartment around 7 pm, mere minutes before the arrival of Mark Parenteau.  For those who don’t know him, Mark was the afternoon dj on Boston’s WBCN for a couple of decades.  Recently, he lost his job there and found himself a new position in the same slot on Q104, NY’s classic rock station.  He’s doing very well there and we finally had the chance to get together.  We’ve been friends for most of those two decades.

Bryan and I take him to Pangea (of course); B has to leave relatively early to bowl and Mark and I finish dinner, stop by Dick’s (even though he doesn’t drink anymore – he went to rehab with Aerosmith!) and walk down 2nd Avenue where they are filming a new Steve Martin movie before Mark leaves for the train.

I go to the bowling alley (Bryan really seems to have hit his stride) and B and I return to 2nd Avenue for him to eat.  The Cloister’s Café (on 9th Street) has just re-opened their garden for the season and they’re also open late.  Bryan has a great shrimp cocktail (yes, it’s his food of the month) and spaghetti with pesto (I just snack on a fruit salad) while we listen to a crazy couple next to us (he’s obviously gay and we have to hear all sorts of sexual exploits I’d rather not hear about during dinner – especially since he’s ugly!).